Monday, October 5, 2009

Devastation

My friends I received some devastating news today. B's 16 year old birthmother (probably 17-18 now) returned sometime over the last two months and reclaimed him. I received an urgent email from J with the news and to call her asap. My journey to him is over. I dont know what I am going to do next. The latest news has been so encouraging the PM is onboard with completing adoptions that are already in progress, we were all so hopeful. And now, I dont know what is going to happen. I think I am still in shock and am in no position, emotionally, to make any decisions about what do do next. J had some suggestions and to be honest, I dont know if I will continue down this road or not. Is my child, the child truly meant for me, still in that little country? Perhaps. Was it my job to love B with all my heart, for just this little while? I dont know. The tears are coming again.

15 comments:

Kimberly said...

Oh Beth, my heart is breaking for you. This has been such a difficult journey. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through this grieving process. It just isn't fair!

Christina said...

Beth, I am so sorry to hear this. This has been a torturous journey and I hate that this has happened. Please know that I am thinking about you and my heart is tore apart for you.

Betsy said...

Beth, I know you don't know me - but my son Caleb is from Kyrg. I have been following your blog and hoping for the day B would come home to you forever.

I cannot imagine your heartache and know there are no words to comfort you right now. Please know that we will be praying for you - for peace, wisdom to understand what God's plan is for this, for guidance on what to do next. We will also pray for B & his birthmother - that she would have the resources and ability to take care of him.

Hugs from a stranger,
Betsy

Jeanne said...

Hi Beth, I have been following your blog and hoping for you for a long time. I am sorry that you have experienced this loss of a child you dreamed of parenting. I hope that his birthmother will build a life for them, and that your heart will gradually heal.

Corinne said...

Beth, my heart is so aching to hear this. I am so sorry for this terrible loss you are having to endure. I know there are mo words to comfort you but, please you are in our thoughts and prayers as you grieve and that you will have the strength to follow the plan God has for you.

Shannon said...

Beth - my heart goes out to you during this emotionally difficult time. We will be praying for strength and love for Ben and his birthmother. Take time to heal and please keep us posted on your journey.

Pamela said...

Praying for you, Beth. That's what I am doing right now. Know that all of the love you poured out on little B was important. He needed it. And it will be something that will always exists.

Me said...

Beth, I'm so sorry to hear this, my heart goes out to you. I just want you to know I will continue to think good thoughts for you!

Lori said...

Beth...I just don't even know what to say, but I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a HUGE hug! I just can't even imagine getting that phone call---whether people judge it or not, one of the reasons we were looking into international adoption was because we felt there may be less of a chance of that kind of call on the international front vx. the domestic. That aside, all the longing and heartache you've gone through while you've steadfastly waited for the miracle he is...I know your heart is just broken. Know this--B has been so loved by you and will always be in your heart. I will pray that his birth mother truly is what's best for him and his life will be blessed. And for you, friend, I pray for peace of mind and your soul to know that ours is not to understand the plan, but to know there is one and we are held in God's palms all the while.

Becky said...

Oh Beth! I'm crying for you. This is devastating news. I cannot believe she just came to reclaim him.

I'm so sorry.

Cindy LaJoy said...

Beth,

Nothing anyone can say at this moment will help. There will be many who do not understand that this is like a miscarriage for you, and I am even sorrier for the pain that comes from that lack of understanding.

What was the purpose of this time in your life? What was this meant to accomplish? No one will really know, but perhaps in time you will see how you grew from this experience, or how it turned you toward or away from something.

I know it is hard to think of the birth mom returning, and that the doubt will forever linger about her ability to care for him.

It is hard to remind ourselves that these are truly not our children until the court docs are signed, for they surely are imprinted upon our heart as if they were ours.

It will take time for you to evaluate and make your next move. It will take time to grieve this loss. Please allow your heart to hurt for as long as necessary, and don't give up hope that your child is out there somewhere waiting for you. For if you give up hope, your child might just be lost forever...and he or she needs you to remain in the game...be it in Kyrgyzstan or elsewhere.

Many hugs your way,

Cindy

Suzanne said...

Add my tears to yours, Beth. You know we are all here for you. Wishing you strength and peace,
Suzanne (CA)

Maria said...

Oh Beth... I wish I had words to convey what I'm feeling, but I just don't. My heart is broken for you. This is just so unfair to you after all you have already been through. Adoption is so hard on the heart sometimes. I know. Know that I will be lifting you, Ben and his birthmom up in prayers that each of you find peace in the decisions that have been made and that God will lead you where He wants you to be. BIG BIG HUG!!!

Jackie said...

Beth, I am just seeing your post today and am just so sorry to hear this. Truly sorry! May time heal your hurting heart.
Jackie

Jes said...

Beth - We're holding you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.

Hugs-
Jes